A quick story…
I had a supervisor tell me early on a story about how she arranged her kitchen when she moved into her first house, the utensils over here, cups go here, plates are up here… and that she had the sudden insight that she arranged it exactly as her mother did growing up. She would use this as an easy analogy for how we can take on the “stuff” of our parents without realizing it.
What is this about?
Many adults come to therapy believing they are simply "too sensitive," "too controlling," "independent to a fault," or "bad at relationships." In reality, these patterns are often connected to developmental trauma, childhood emotional neglect, or early experiences of unpredictability and disconnection.
What may look like perfectionism, people-pleasing, emotional withdrawal, or difficulty trusting others often began as creative and necessary ways of adapting to environments that felt emotionally lonely, chaotic, or unsafe. These survival strategies were not signs of weakness—they were ways of protecting yourself and getting through difficult circumstances.
And so then what…?
Therapy for developmental trauma can help you understand the origins of these patterns and distinguish between the strategies you needed to use and the person you want to become.
Having a compassionate and objective third person can be helpful in gently noticing where old coping mechanisms may no longer serve you and exploring new ways of relating to yourself and others. While this process can be uncomfortable at times, many people find that it leads to greater freedom, authenticity, and a deeper sense of connection with themselves and those they love.